may mga bagay na hindi basta-bastang matatakasan
kaya minsan, kailangan pansamantalang pigilan ang pagbabalik-tanaw
         dahil nagiging traydor ang mga alaala

walang ibang tamang panahon sa pagpapatuloy
kundi ang mismong sandali ng pagpapatuloy

ayon nga kay chuang tze,
"kapag nasabi na ang lahat ng masasabi, ang pinakamahalaga ay hindi masasabi.
magagawa lamang."

at ako'y nagpapatuloy dito...


paki-update na lang po ng links nyo

got this from macoy's blog months ago.

X -- things you've done

( x ) eat at Manang's
( x ) learn the alma mater song
( ) get on the dean's list
( x ) sleep on a bench (floor, on or under a faura lab table, soccer field...)
( ) be a TNT! (i'm not perky enough)
( x ) jog around the campus in the evening (and in early a.m. also)
( x ) visit the art gallery
( x ) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name (si mang manny ng colayco)
( x ) get a Jesuit for a teacher (fr dacanay, padre ferriols)
( x ) itch from higad bites (first year first sem and no, they're not really bites)
( ) have gotten an F in something
( ) have taken a crap in school
( x ) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game (opkors! even until now)
( x ) give a powerpoint presentation
( ) study in the caf upstairs (di ko naabutan)
( x ) watch a T.A. play (and Entablado and Blue Rep and Dulaang Sibol)
( ) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars (bago pa lang ang SEC on my last year)
( x ) eat in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford
( x ) sleep in the lib
( ) visit Mr. San Andres (di kami close e hehe)
( x ) go to the chapel
( x ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
( ) cut class with your block to watch a movie (did cut class for a movie but not with my block)
( x ) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers
( x ) go to CERSA night
( x) have tried siomai rice
( ) learn how to smoke
( x ) fall in love (mushy naman nito)
( x ) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
( x ) play cards during your free time (pusoy dos, tong-its, speed, bridge)
( x ) dress in business attire (thesis defense, both times)
( x ) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight 
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC
( x ) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes (gina, dodo and i took graphic design as our free elective)
( x ) go to your immersion (with the Dumagats in Dingalan, Aurora)
( x ) eat Food for Thought sandwiches
( ) get a boyfriend/girlfriend
( x ) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
( x ) watch `Minsan Lang Sila Bata` and `Macho Dancer` for class
( x ) do a last minute paper 
( ) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures
( x ) get exempted from final exams
( x ) attend a college mass
( ) promise to quit smoking
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest
( x ) know where the best restrooms are on campus (faura was the best in my time)
( x ) join an org (make that orgs)
( x ) allow yourself to make mistakes (mushy rin nito)
( x ) take summer classes (may required classes ang ps-ce every summer)
( x ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening
( x ) make a video for a project
( x ) have a crush on a teacher (joey chua in ma21)
( x ) attend a Jesuit retreat (8-day silent retreat at mirador hill, baguio. oo, silent yun!)
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
( x ) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes
( x ) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones
( x ) participate in school activities
( x ) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts (i think i saw some auditionees perform at the quad once)
( x ) date an Atenean
( x ) ride a tricycle on campus (pag tinatamad. otherwise, i love to walk)
( x ) find a tambayan (faura labs nung 5th year, colayco most of college; for a short while sa berchman's at quad nung 3rd & 1st yr respectively)
( x ) admire the marikina valley at night
( x ) go drinking along Katipunan
( ) learn how to beg for a higher grade
( x ) use your cuts wisely (as in bilangan talaga!)
( ) volunteer to be class beadle
( ) had the worst lottery schedule for reg (accounting assessor ako kaya may early reg)
( x ) admire the trees on campus
( ) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class (forget a freecut? are you kidding?!)
( x ) eat in the ISO canteen
( x ) be active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair
( x ) learn how to cram
( x ) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere
( ) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes
( x ) have accidentally seen a make-out session
( x ) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge (habang tinatayo pa)
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice versa (dozed off in class, yes)
( x ) learn how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfect the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
( x ) develop a love for sisig (Ken Afford's sisig ala domeng!)
( x ) learn how to pronounce `AEGIS` properly
( ) have used typing rooms at the library
( x ) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries
( x ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella (make that umbrellas)
( ) have used consultation hours properly
( x ) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment
( x ) visit the Guidance Office (nagpapalamig lang actually)
( x ) and Infirmary (free paracetamol nga naman; nagpapalamig din lang)
( ) peed on the konyo bench
( x ) watched the sunset from the gate 2/3 field
( x ) spent night at gate 2/3 field (nagpuslit pa ng alcohol hehehe)
( x ) took the Barangka steps at least once
( ) hung out at the Doghouse and actually felt superior to everyone
( ) drank the water from the rizal-era pipes
( x ) referred to classes between 1:30 and 3:30 as "siesta time"
( x ) played in the rain, with your friends

now tagging all other ateneans especially my ce blockmates peter, tatit and franz...

FOR ALL THE GOODBYES
Silvia Curbelo


In a room not unlike this one
someone is always leaving someone else.

Someone blows out a candle.
Someone has finished the wine.

The single glove laid open
on the windowsill tells only

half the story. Try to imagine
the hundred metaphors for flight,

for endings, a door finally closing
and what is left behind--

the robe with its torn lining,
a scarf, cufflinks, an old shoe.

A man's abandoned overcoat
brings to mind train stations,

suitcases, footsteps
vanishing down the hall.

There is no mistaking
the closet door left ajar,

the empty hangers
like the thin shoulders

of loss, of distance.
If you have loved

someone like that
you have imagined his hands

opening other doors, unbuttoning
his shirt in other rooms.

Even as the buttons fall away
there is no turning back.

A dropped shoe is an island.
A scarf will break your heart.

[last half of the admu-dlsu juniors. homegrown cup. ultra.]

[cell buzz]
[1 new message.]

[it's tatit. Ü]

15:30
Go Ateneo! One big fight! Ü

i reply: Guess what?! I'm with Mike here sa dlsu side! Lowerbox na lng kc makuha namin. Ateneo side sana kaso la nang magkatabing seats kaya eto ako sa enemy territory. Waah! I'm cheering for our boys pa rin, of course. Di nga lang ako mkapagheckle. Azar.

15:49
Naku don't get yourself killed ha. Hehe. May future tong ferdinand. Pwde sulutin sa recruitment? bwahaha.

Honga. 2 dunks na sya, at least. Reminds me of our beloved JC. Hawig konti. Ü

[eaglets lost by a point. from 2 of made free throws.]

16:09
Haha funny ending. Oks lang. Good game eaglets! One big fight! Let's go seniors!

Honga. Funny ending. Good game, though.Ü Let's go, Blue Eagles!

16:10
I dunno if d stats were obvious 2 u, but that la salle player they fouled was a good choice kc he hasn't made his free throws all game long. Unfortunately he made d last 2. Haha.

mikol grabs my cell and replies: It was fate.Ü
[message sent.]
i follow it up: That wasn't me!

16:13
Ganyan tlga pag susp... este, gigil maglaro.

Hahaha! Good one! Barbie's going to play. She looks wider and shorter from my point of view. Nagshrink! Hehe

[barbie almalbis leads the national anthem while playing her electric guitar. handa. awit.]
[twas odd, really.]

16:22
Argh! kainis! Magsasabay ang seniors game at ang finals ng world pool! At ang the buzz! Wahaha. kalokang channel surfing to. Go Ateneo! Go Philippines!

Hahaha! No choice kami but basketball. Update mo ko sa world pool. Who's playing R.Alcano? Update din ng latest buzz.Ü

16:27
Ralf souquet! Gusto ko sya kaya masayang laban sana.

16:37
Happy birthday coach norm!

[three minutes into the seniors game]

Grabe! Gigil na gigil nga ang kalaban! Calm down, Blue Eagles! Don't let them bug you.

16:38
D commentators said d archers were actually screaming their lungs out in d dugout b4 emerging on court. Hehe.

16:46
Maierhofer vs laterre. Saya. Casio at escueta magkamukha namn. saya. haha.

JV Casio and Sarah Geronimo.Ü

[a minute left in the first quarter]

Ala pala si JC. Sinungaling yng PhilStar a. Was looking forward to his dunks pa naman.

16:51
Well, sad din ako not to see him play but then this is prep 4 uaap next year nga namn and i guess an audition 4 many of d players. Hay.

17:02
Samok kaayo kay para clear ang studio 23, kelangan left side ang tv antenna. Para clear ang world pool on nbn, kelangan right side. Mkabuang hehe. Pinoy leads 3-1 in race 2 17.

17:07
Interview w jc: inggit ako, we wanted 2 play against la salle. Haha wawa namn. Tapos he said coach said nga wag muna since this is prep 4 next yr, etc, etc.

17:08
Talk abt a full-packed tv afternoon. So there's homegrown cup, then i switch 2 world pool, and d buzz, and PGMA SINGING 'para sa yo' w manny pacquiao in a replay of manny highlights. She's so sick! Kaloka!

18:08
C nonoy baclao kelangan ng sponsor sa kanin para magbulk up. Any takers? Hehe.

Yng nagsponsor kay Jai! Hahaha In fairness, slightly buffed ang lolo mo. Di ko nakilala at first.

18:10
The buzz: kakasal na c Jolina! Meanwhile, alcano leads Ralf souquet 8-3.

Finals ba yan? Or semifinals? Napanood ko quarterfinals yday e.

18:15
Finals. Pinoy vs german.

[5 minutes left in the fourth canto]

18:26
Ipasok na c JC!!! Hehe.

18:31
Grabe kayod ni zi! Good job! Sad to lose but we'l be ready by season 70! Go ateneo!

Coach Norman's just observing. As in. Feeling ko pati coaching staff may audition.

18:32
Haha korek.

I think even Sandy wasn't doing any coaching talaga. Bad time for me to bet with Mike. Kainis. Hahaha

18:33
It's not a bad time 4 u to bet w mike, coz it's d ONLY time. Tell him that. Haha.

18:47
But in fairness to mike (biglang kabig daw ba haha), la salle's looking better than us in season 70. coach norm's got lots of work ahead.

Gumwapo pa lineup nila ngyn, dagdag ni Mike. Hehe May "Nonoy" Baclao pa tayo. What a name.Ü

[archers win the game. 69-58]

[dinner]

20:02
alcano wins it. Go philippines!

Huwaw! Congrats to us! Go Philippines!Ü Ano pa latest sa Buzz? Hehe

20:05
Claudine barretto and yes magazine kiss n make up. And Lara morena shows up w a black eye. Ober. haha.

Did you get the name nung nag-coach sa boys? Di si Sandy e.

20:11
Coach gabby severino. He coaches team glory be.

Honga pala.Ü What happened between Claudine and Yes magazine pala? Who gave Lara Morena her black eye? Hehehe

20:20
Ay mahaba na yung sa Yes mag. Nagsagutan na sila ng iilang law suits, over pictures, libel, etc. Finally they settled amicably. Yung kay lara morena, ex bf nya. I feel bad 4 her pero natatawa ako e, kc 2 days ago phone patch say sa isang show and she went on and on and they couldn't shut her up. Na-OA-an ako, na parang ober at fake na. Awww, umiyak c ralf souquet. :( coz he's long wanted 2 win a tourney in d phils. Awww.

* * * * *

tatit is one of my best friends.  we grew up in the same subdivision in cdo and have known each other since high school (nursery actually but we weren't close yet at that time), went to the same college and worked in the same industry until three years ago when she decided to shift careers and move to davao.  in the course of our friendship, we've gone through the funniest, corniest, merriest, saddest, turbulent and craziest of times.

* * * * *

one of my unforgettable moments with tatit: lining up outside the blue eagle gym to get tickets for the 2002 uaap finals game3.  along with her officemates from iberpacific(soluziona now), we camped out and lined up the night before the tickets were to be released at 8am.  straight from work, we honestly thought we would be the first ones in line when we went inside the campus by 7ish to park the car before eating out for dinner that night but lo! we saw numerous people ahead of us already.  as it turned out, we were #80-something in that line.  the first one lined up earlier in the afternoon at 5pm!  we went to work the next day so late and groggy from lack of sleep but it was well worth it since we won the championship that season. talk about fanatics! hahaha! 

i've decided to switch to a new scent and last monday, i started using this new perfume i bought two weeks ago. 

i had been using moonlight path by bath and body works consistently for some time now, which was actually, by accident.  i had priorly used amber romance by victoria's secret as my signature scent but have been unable to buy myself a bottle for the past year and a half since the stores always ran out of stock whenever it's time for me to buy one.  what started out as a temporary alternative eventually turned into a second choice by default and in the passage of time, have marked itself as my signature scent. 

the recent switch is actually two-fold.  not only am i switching brands but i'm also switching from cologne to perfume again. the last time i had perfume as my scent (and it was clinique happy) was about four years ago. don't get me wrong. even when i've been using the above-mentioned colognes as my everyday scent, i do break the monotony by spraying on a perfume occassionally. when the mood strikes. or when i'm on a night out with friends. 

* * * * *

one of the unforgettable, if not the most unusual, smell-related compliments i ever received was a few days after one of my scent-switching transitions.  it was also the best non sequitur i have heard that year.  X was giving me a ride home that day and while i was in the middle of telling him an anecdote about a friend we had just figured we had in common, he just explicitly stated: "you changed your smell."  stunned by the interruption, i could only look at him questioningly. and then he elaborated.

"you always smell sweet and romantic.  it seems contradictory on you but i like how it tells me that in spite of this 'astig' image you usually try to pull over people's eyes,  you are still a softie inside. babae ka pa rin."

"teka, wait. so now i don't smell that way?

"you still do. i just noticed your fragrance is a tad different this week but it has the same effect. i'm not sure which one i like better, though."

* * * * *

last weekend, i had my hair cut.  i told the hairdresser to chop 5 inches off.  it was supposed to be just that only.  but when i saw the length of my hair that got cut off, the urge for a drastic change got more pronounced that i eventually gave in. "sige na nga. pa-layer na rin."  which led to more cutting that in the end, my mane got more than 5 inches shorter. 

the change in my hair is also two-fold.  not only have i considerably altered its length (although my hair still doesn't fall in the short length category) but i've also changed the style from one-length to layered.  i can't even remember the last time my hair was short and layered.  the one i can remember though is the first of my college yearbook photos.  my hairstyle then was very similar to the one i have now, only much shorter.

* * * * *

now that i look back and reminisce the changes my hair had been through for the past twelve years or so, i realize i was actually following a pattern. subconsciously, anyway.  i always cut my hair short and then let it grow over a long period of time.  although i trim it every now and then when the length is near the bra line, the trim is never more than an inch or two that it hardly ever gets noticed.  then i'd break the monotony by cutting a good long chunk off it, which i may or may not accompany with a layered style.  the layering eventually gets trimmed once my hair gets to a certain length.  i'm really just oscillating between a short (layered) bob and a long, straight and one-length hair.

and so it is, i also realize, with my changing scents.  i may change my scent but i am always inclined towards the classic and floral type.

* * * * *

just when i think i have learned the way to live, life changes and i am left the same as i began. the more things change the more i am the same.  -- hugh prather, notes to myself

* * * * *

so even makeovers adhere to chaos theory: an underlying order can be found in what are apparently disordered or random changes. 

* * * * *

to reiterate, this week, i changed two signatures i've had for quite some time: my scent and my hair.  changing either is more often than not a great deal to everyone, especially women.  so it's inevitable that i would be asked by some stupefied friends the big "WHY?!!" as they wonder whatever happened to make me act so rashly.  and with a shrug, i usually give a flippant answer.

"ala lang."
"i just felt like it."
"it's no biggie. i had planned it for weeks na."
"it was just time for a change, is all."

but of course, things are not always what they seem.  dear friends must assume the reason is more than the usual need for a change. 

what can i say?  i am, as some people would say, a fortress.  quite the fortress at this point, in fact, that even i don't want to problematize it long enough to acknowledge the triggering factors behind my recent meanderings.  such incongruity, you might say, to be so defensive even against one's self.  but then, isn't it true that in the silence of one's solitude, one often hears the truth, discerns the problems and recognize the solutions?

and if experience taught me anything, it's that i'm most likely to end up hurting and that yet again, i opened myself to the world and have allowed it to take my heart in its hands and give it palpitations.  oh yes, my heart has had its share of little deaths. and i fear that another one is coming soon. i don't think i'm ready for that just yet.

so please forgive me, dear friend, if i haven't been as forthcoming with this recent phase in my life.

* * * * *

sometimes a drastic change is just one timid step towards something else.

* * * * *

"everything is yielding towards a foregone conclusion, only we are rash enough to go on changing our lives."  -- adrienne rich

in my obsession to be not prosaic but not cryptic or trivial either, i've been holding off posting entries in my blog for almost a year! boy, time does really fly and before i know it, i find myself with nearly a dozen drafts i don't want to post anymore due to various reasons: 1) loss of pertinent value, 2) what would have been witty and charming then have now become embarrassing in retrospect, 3) lackluster, and 4) many other reasons i don't care to mention lest some people in mind would get to read them and add two and two to get five (come to think of it, i'm more afraid that they do get four.) whenever i plan to post memoir-like fragments, there's always this debilitating process of sublimation that i go through just to come up with something that isn't too revealing for comfort but at the same time subtle enough to be less understood by those who don't really know me well yet clear as glass to those who do. ihat's why it was always easier to just let a poem or song do the talking for me instead -- something a few of my closest friends have complained to me about. one went so far as to tell me that i've been suffering from severe emotional constipation and my posting just a poem or song for most of the past year only intensified my affliction instead of alleviating it. ah, such irony. salamat ha! look what your comment got me -- a very dry spell in my blog. for more than ten months! 

* * * * *

so let me start with something mundane. i've been tagged by the stupendous totoobee to

"List any seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

seven songs 

 1 At The Stars - Better Than Ezra
 2 #41 - Dave Matthews Band
 3 One Thing - Finger Eleven
 4 You And Me - Lifehouse
 5 Until You Come Back To Me - Aretha Franklin
 6 Collide - Howie Day
 7 Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

hmm... looks like i'm in a wallowing mood these days...
now tagging tatit, jehan, macoy, makoy, kath, rhodge and xam...

* * * * *

as of late, snow patrol's chasing cars is the most persistent of all my LSS songs this year. last year, it was a toss-up between nikki hassman's any lucky penny and joni mitchell's a case of you. the year before that, it was closer to you by the wallflowers. but this year's is quite special.

"if i lay here... if i just lay here... would you lie with me and just forget the world?..."

by its own accord, the lackadaisical tune just pops into my head at some very appropriate moments. nag-d-DJ na lang bigla ang utak ko. instant background music!

* * * * *

incidentally, the song was played in grey anatomy's season 2 finale wherein the last scene showed meredith torn on who to follow -- derek or finn. this is one of my most favorite scenes in the series because it symbolizes that perennial difficulty of choosing between what our heart dictates and what our head recommends. and i'm not just talking about choosing the significant other but also about choices involving our career, health and lifestyle, friendships to keep and friendships to let go, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

* * * * *

a very good friend of mine (which i won't name muna para di maudlot!) admonished me a few weeks ago not to buy myself an iPod because he's giving me one instead. he's working in singapore now and apparently bought one for me already since he'll just have it sent as soon as anyone will come home to the phil. i'm so looking forward to my gift! being the music lover that i am, this is of course one of the best and most thoughtful gifts i'll ever receive. now, kung Taylor guitar yan tulad kay noel... hahaha! wishful thinking!

* * * * *

last wednesday, straight from my up dharma down gig at 70s bistro with mikol and kc, my sister and i went to conspiracy to catch up the noel gig with tetet, franz and jimmy. lagare! but i couldn't not go since it was the eve of jimmy's birthday and i wanted to make sure also he got his complimentary cd from noel. (jimmy took most of the photos used in noel's last album)

so jimmy, with his ever super-hitech and super-heavy DSLR camera, took photos again that night. he made cd copies for each of us: franz, tetet, noel, me. they're with franz now at manila observatory. tetet and i have been agog for days as we haven't had an updated picture with noel for months. i sure hope we got good shots.

* * * * *

speaking of good shots, check out my kabaklaan during bong and tina's wedding last may. i lost some weight around that time (which i'm unfortunately gaining back nowadays!) so some of those who saw me last in 2005 may be greatly surprised.

* * * * *

some sort of trivia/intriga/da-who/da-what: some very close friends would know exactly how my thoughts ran and can actually follow the trail of this entry. hehehe

* * * * *

check out my celebrity look-alikes!

 

* * * * *

i just learned today that reese witherspoon and ryan phillippe called it quits after about seven years of marriage. another addition to that infamous hollywood statistic. oh, well... what else is new?!

* * * * *

some of my friends have coined me as a "man-hater" because from time to time, i voice out my putrid views about men usually in terms of their unfaithfulness, fear of commitment, insecurities about their manliness, excessive supply of brain-numbing hormones and lack of balls (metaphorically, of course). but mostly about their seemingly inevitable path to infidelity. you see, i always declare that a guy involved in any relationship, even marriage, cannot stay a hundred percent faithful to his significant other. there is always at least one point that he would want out because of a third party.

if you're a guy, i'm sure you would instinctively balk at my declaration. my guy friends did, of course. but mind you, a few of them actually concurred after giving it some thought. and yes, girls aren't saints themselves when it comes to relationships. but when you compare the two on who is likely to be unfaithful, guys would undoubtedly win it hands-down.

i think it's physiological. the male species has two sets of brain. it's just too bad their most active brain is on the lower part of their anatomy. hehehe

* * * * *

in one of my typical "man-hater" rants, mon said something that made my heart stop for a moment.

"kai, siguro ang mapapangasawa mo, babaero."

it sounded like a curse. anak ng pating! wag naman sana, Lord.

* * * * *

to borrow from one of my favorite movies, Hitch, i'm just actually a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist

paglamig ng hangin
manoling francisco, s.j.

paglamig ng hanging hatid ng pasko
nananariwa sa 'king gunita
ang mga nagdaan nating pasko
ang noche buena't simbang gabi

koro:
narito na ang pasko
at nangungulila'ng puso ko
hanap-hanap, pinapangarap
init ng pagsasalong tigib sa tuwa
ng mag-anak na nagdiwang
sa sabsaban n'ung unang pasko

sa pag-awit muli ng himig-pasko
nagliliyab sa paghahangad
makapiling kayo sa gabi ng pasko
sa alaala'y magkasama tayo

(koro 2x)

moon over you
cynthia alexander

come to think of it
we have nothing to begin with
as soon as you come to mind
i put you away like dirty socks
the laundry, my guitar Ra
when i'm done playing
the dishes eaten over
the floor walked upon
what a mess if i don't put you away
come to think of it if i did what i hadn't
come to think of it if i did
moon over you
falling
Icarus falling
Jupiter falling
moon over you
come to think of it
we have everything between us
a train of domestic compromises
whichever end i'm at
even secret days of saffron sky
pretend i've not a memory
there are dishes eaten over
the floor walked upon
what a mess if i don't put you away
come to think of it if i did what i hadn't
come to think of it if i did
moon over you